Red One review: Chris Evans and The Rock kill Christmas with 0-star, $250 million turd

Zero Stars.Running time: 123 minutes.

Rated PG-13 (action, some violence, and language).In theaters. For the most wonderful time of the year comes the worst movie of the year.That’s “Red One,” a piece of Christmas crapola starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris Evans.

If you see it, yule regret it. Our two hours of holiday drear begin with the title, which refers to the POTUS-like code name that the U.S.Government gives Santa Claus. How magical.Kris Kringle, played by J.K.

Simmons as a push-up-obsessed gym rat, is kidnapped after a freelance hacker named Jack (Chris Evans) inadvertently reveals the location of the North Pole to an evildoer.So, Santa’s bodyguard, Callum (Johnson, obviously), enlists Jack to rescue Santa and “save Christmas.”Save Christmas? They’ve mercilessly killed it.Before the Dec.24 abduction, Callum, who runs E.L.F.

(Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification — ugh) is one day away from retirement. “I love the kids,” he sighs.“It’s the grown-ups that are killing me.”For the first time ever, we’re told the naughty list is longer than the nice list.

Callum does not explain why, but it is probably connected to CVS padlocking mouthwash.“Red One,” misdirected by Jake Kasdan, then oozes the usual seasonal pine sap.“Somewhere inside every grownup is the kid they once were,” Simmons’ Santa replies as if in a hypnotic trance.These are the sort of canned Hallmark lines uttered in movies meant for young children. So, why do characters also shout “s–t!” multiple times in this film that’s rated PG-13? Or, when Jack asked what his job was, who thought it best that the Rock yelled, “To spread cheer, assh–e!”?“Red One” is a movie of many such mysteries.It reportedly cost $250 million to make.

But you’d never know from the not-so-special effects on screen.Did the craft service table include whole bluefin tunas and white truffles? Jack is one of the jaded adults Callum despises.

As a ki...