Hot Frosty review: The abominable snow movie

Running time: 92 minutes.Rated: TV-PG.

On Netflix.After being brought to life, the sexy snowman of Netflix’s “Hot Frosty” can laugh and play just the same as you and me — except a million times dumber. Named Jack (Dustin Milligan from “Schitt’s Creek”), this holiday rom-com doofus makes Buddy the Elf look like an astrophysicist. Our own intelligence goes on extended holiday as the idiot hunk of ice bakes pizzas, gets a makeover and attends an Upstate New York high-school dance with conspicuously complex choreography.Before I plow this nonsense, I’ll grant that it’s an ingenious marketing ploy by the streamer.

The gist, “Frosty the Snowman” with abs, makes for a hilarious talker.And the title sounds like a 1998 porno VHS.

“Hot Frosty” is causing more of a stir than “Gladiator II” is — and was Netflix’s most-watched movie of the week.But, bah humbug, the actual film directed by Jerry Ciccoritti is nowhere near as fun or steamy as its cheeky premise would suggest.No bow-chika-wow-wow here.

Or much humor either.It’s as wholesome as hopscotch. The treacly trifle is just more of the same Hallmark-inspired Christmas white noise for people who defend these terrible, sappy movies as chicken soup for the couch potato’s soul.

Kathy (Lacey Chabert) is already smitten with Jack when he’s still an inanimate object in fictional Hope Springs, NY’s snow sculpture competition.Absurdly well-crafted, he’s the Michelangelo’s David of snowmen.“You’ve been doing your pushups,” she coos at the literally chiseled adonis.Flirting with flakes, Kathy accidentally enchants the statue with her magical scarf, and by morning, he’s flesh and blood.

And hopelessly blank.Stupid Jack proclaims, “I love talking! It’s amazing!”He then excitedly explains to the shocked Kathy, an overworked diner owner, what has occurred: “I was made of snow, and now I’m made of… not snow! Can you believe it?!”At first, she can’t.“He’s a g...